"What if older women don’t lose their sex drive? What if, in fact, their sex lives become more expansive as they age?"
Vickie Larson
I don’t think I’ve ever had so many conversations about sex as I’ve had in the last 3 months. The idea of including this topic in this year’s event came to me during the 2021 event. Mariann Aalda, who says that women are hypnotised to believe that we lose social and sexual currency as we age, had just performed a hilarious sketch brandishing her vibrator. After her performance, many women came up to me and asked if we could have more of this next year.
In my opinion, Mariann's playfulness and cheeky sense of humor set the tone for some of the speakers that followed.
In March this year, I had the pleasure of a casual Zoom chat with the US-based author, Vickie Larson about her book Not Too Old for That: How Women Are Changing the Story of Aging.
Vickie agrees that midlife is a time when women can be seen as invisible, irrelevant, undesirable, asexual, unhinged, and dried-up hormonal messes. Vickie's writing on women and sexuality has been included in Medium and the Huffington Post. There is so much synergy in our mission, that I have referenced much of Vickie's work in this piece.
Fast forward to June when it was suggested that I see the Australian movie, How to Please a Woman. I had no idea what to expect and to be honest, I’m so used to being disappointed by the unrealistic and one-dimensional way women of a certain age are portrayed in the media that I wasn’t expecting the movie to rock my world.
Rock my world it did. The movie was funny, clever, and an honest portrayal of women in midlife and beyond. I could identify with the characters, their relationships, and their desire to ask for and go after their sexual needs.
So how do you please a woman? Well, you clean her house and give her an orgasm.
Until recently the subject of women of a certain age having sexual needs was not a topic for movies and the message was that after menopause we had no interest in sex, and therefore it was a thing of the past.
In her article, The Disturbing Reason Older Women Still Have Sex, Vickie Larson laments that "given all the negative messages about us at midlife — she’s lost her looks, her body is sagging and wrinkled, she’s no longer feminine, she’s not desirable, she’s become invisible, etc. of course that could lead to a decrease in sexual desire". The narrative is that sex is for the young and beautiful.
As Dr. Gewirtz-Meydan, a certified sex therapist says about her research on a recentepisode of the Our Better Half podcast, “It kind of seems like very specific populations are entitled to be sexual — you have to be pretty, skinny, young. So a lot of people are excluded from the discourse of sexuality and they’re confronted with myths and misconceptions about their sexuality.
The misconceptions about sex later in life are known as 'sexual ageism,' which is problematic by itself but is worse when people in midlife and older internalise that belief. Gewirtz-Meydan finds it problematic that in general old people’s motivations for having sex can be seen as an act of youthfulness and, for women in particular, it can be a way to validate our attractiveness.
More comfortable in our body
According to Vickie Larson when society keeps pushing negative narratives about ageing as a woman, this could lead a woman — even a woman who has enjoyed sex throughout her life — to feel less sexy and then avoid sex, or perhaps not enjoy it as much because she’s focusing on what’s “wrong” with her aging body instead of all the ways her body gives her pleasure.
But what if older women don’t lose their sex drive? What if, in fact, their sex lives become more expansive as they age?
In an article in Women's Health, Yes, you can have better sex in midlife and in the years beyond, it enforces that 'even if, as the saying goes, the brain is a woman's most important sex organ, we can't deny the role our bodies play—especially as we get older. Satisfying sex depends on several things: the presence of desire, arousal, absence of pain, and an ability to reach orgasm.
In OPRAH MAGAZINE Sara Stillman Berger claims - “One of the great joys of being older is that you can settle into your body more without fears and inhibitions getting in the way,” Antonia Hall, author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life agrees with Stillman Berger, adding that post-menopausal women are less self-conscious and more at ease in their body.
Sexologist Alexandra Fine agrees: “Women often say that in their youth they were concerned with their sexual performance. But now they understand their bodies. They don’t have time for bad sex!” Becoming comfortable with our bodies after menopause is common for many women which can transform their sex life, and it can also be the first time some women prioritise their own pleasure.
Like many women, I was taught to believe that sex was about pleasing the man and sex was complete and a success when my partner orgasmed. Looking back if I wasn't drunk, I felt self-conscious and insecure and the act was very performative. In my late 40s, I reclaimed my body and felt that I was in control of it. I felt more confident and began to communicate my needs and put my sexual needs first.
Let's talk about the big O!
I recently watched the movie starring Emma Thompson, Good Luck to You, Leo Grande with a group of women from the Silver Sirens community. We agreed that one of the most moving aspects of the movie was when Emma Thompson's character, a post-menopausal woman, confessed that she had never had an orgasm in over 30 years of marriage. She and her husband put very little effort into their sex life and her experience of sex was limited to a handful of fumbled movements, and finished with her husband reaching climax, her faking an orgasm, and him rolling over and falling asleep.
Although many women experience orgasms throughout their life, there is a myth that women lose the ability to orgasm after menopause. In her article, Yes, You Can Have an Orgasm After Menopause, Crystal Raypole reminds us that good sex generally doesn’t happen effortlessly, no matter what stage of life you’re in. Sexual pleasure and satisfaction can change as you approach and pass menopause. But creativity, communication, and a willingness to try new things can help you maintain a satisfying sex life for years to come.
During the menopausal transition, blood flow to the vagina and clitoris decreases. If you usually need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, the resulting decrease in sensitivity can make orgasm more difficult to achieve.
What follows is that because it takes longer to achieve orgasm, many women give up before they 'hit the mark' and believe instead that organisms are no longer available to them.
Crystal encourages us that more difficult doesn’t mean impossible! It just may take a little longer or require a new approach. I found this reassuring as I blamed the increased time it took me to achieve orgasm in my fifties on the long-term use of vibrators.
In an article in Women's Health, Aiding arousal and orgasm, we are reminded that arousal and orgasm depend on a complex array of psychological and physical factors. Issues that reduce libido can also affect arousal and orgasm. In addition, when blood flow to the genitals and pelvis is diminished or nerves are damaged, it can be difficult to achieve either. Identifying and addressing lifestyle factors may increase your sexual response. The most common physical factors impeding arousal and orgasm include alcohol and drug use, health conditions, and medications.
Many women struggle to reach orgasm with vaginal sex alone and often need to introduce other tools to get there. This was a relief for me as I was never able to climax without external stimulation.
If this is you, Crystal recommends the following:
Touching. Start by touching, rubbing, or stroking your clit — or asking your partner(s) to. Lube or Happy Pause intimacy balm, can make a difference by reducing friction and increasing your pleasure.
Oral sex. Oral sex can be a great way to get things going. It stimulates your clit, for starters, but it also offers the added bonus of lubrication.
Vibrators. Using a vibrator regularly, during solo or partnered sex, may help boost sensitivity and wetness and make it easier to reach orgasm. You can find a range from our sponsor at Frolicme.
DIY - WHY NOT
When I speak about sex to single women in midlife I get the same responses every time - It's easy for you, you have a partner so you can have sex', 'I don't have a partner so sex is dead for me', 'I'm single and I'm never going to have sex again'.
I feel passionate that sex and pleasure are something every woman deserves. Women can, and I believe should attain sexual pleasure with or without a partner.
Sexologist Alexandra Fine reminds us that 'not everyone has a significant other. But that’s ok…because no one said this couldn’t be a single-player game! Sex toys often open up a whole new world to women,” says Fine.
Sex toys have always been a big part of my sex life. I was given my first vibrator at the age of 21 by the first man I fell in love with. I remember feeling really naughty walking into an adult store and having the attendant show us a wide selection of vibrators. Although my partner bought me the vibrator to use in our love-making, I got the most pleasure when I used it alone and could test the edges of my own pleasure. I have 4 different vibrators today and I could not live without them.
In the movie, Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, Emma Thompson's character had a shopping list of sexual experiences she wanted to try with her professional sex worker which included giving and receiving oral sex and achieving orgasm.
When she finally reached orgasm at the end of the film, she did so by her own hands. She did not need a man to reach a climax, she reached this peak all by herself!
As our Sexuality Beyond 50 speaker, Susan Jarvis reminds us in a recent social media post, 'self-pleasure is self-care'. You bet sister!!!