"We approach the topic of mortality of ourselves and loved ones with respect and dignity"
Jo Milne-Homes
My first experience of death was of my oldest sister, Rebecca. She died at the age of 41 from a complex mix of lung and brain cancer. My sister knew she was dying but she didn't want her children to know until the last few months of her life. I recall her daughter, who was 20 at the time of her diagnosis, joining her to select wigs before she started chemotherapy. I was living in Australia at the time and cannot remember why, but I could not be in London for her funeral. I remember howling so loudly when I received the news that the neighbours called the police. I was 29 years old.
At 37 I lost my father and had my next experience of grief. It was a Sunday morning when I received the news. My father lived in Nigeria and had a heart attack while riding his bike at the age of 82. He was the classic disruptor, shaking things up and causing trouble wherever he went. A born leader, my father was one of the founders of Rivers State in Nigeria. A street and bus stop were named in his honour.
I woke up that Sunday morning after receiving the news and put on denim overalls and wore my hair in pigtails. My inner child took over as I sat with friends, crying and sharing stories about his life.
Sara Schairer, the writer of 8 Ways to Heal Your Soul After a Loss reminds us that we will all face loss at some time in our lives — it’s a substantial part of the human experience. Because in most cultures we aren’t taught how to grieve, you may not be equipped with the knowledge or skills you need to manage these losses when they happen.
I was not prepared for either death even though I had a few months notice of my sister's, and my father was old, so of course his death was imminent.
Grief shows up in unexpected forms and often during unexpected times. It may arise when you lose a family member, friend, or beloved pet. Grief may be part of the heartache of a divorce. You may grieve the loss of youth, or perhaps you grieve the life you hoped to live or the child you planned to someday nurture.
Rowena Robinson is one of my mentors and was one of the speakers in the Elders Are Treasures, Mastering Grief segment at the Redefining Ageing. Although Rowena has gone through many losses, including her long-term partner and a number of children, she began her talk about her ancestral grief as an African American not knowing her family's ancestry. She also shared about the grief of living in poverty, a life that was vastly in contrast to her TV heroes.
At 31, I made the decision to terminate what would become my only pregnancy and in my mid-30s, the untreated grief catapulted me into full-blown alcoholism as I tried to medicate my pain. When I got sober a few years later I still needed a lot of work to heal the grief associated with not becoming a mother.
Guide to Death & Dying in Different Cultures Around the World
We cannot talk about grief without being confronted with the topic of death. In some cultures, death is celebrated as a natural part of life.
Many people have had a brush with death through the passing of their aunt, uncle, grandmother or grandfather, or even a close friend. However common the death of a loved one may be, conversations about death don’t usually occur between families. Instead, Americans view them as taboo or morbid.
Chinese funerals are rich in superstition and rituals, which include removing mirrors and hanging cloth on the doorway of their homes. Not following proper rituals means death and misfortune for the grieving family.
In Africa, the deceased continue living after death. Most Africans believe in ancestors —the dead who continue living and guiding their family in the afterlife. Without a proper funeral and burial, the ancestor will become a wandering ghost.
African funerals are colourful, lively, and elaborate affairs.
Mexico might be America’s neighbour, but death perspectives couldn’t be more different. Mexican traditions focus on death as a new beginning. Conversations between family members are open, and often stories are shared about the deceased.
Death is ingrained deeply in Mexican culture. The Day of the Dead is a time to remember, honour, and celebrate those that have passed. All over the country, Mexicans take to the streets in joyful song and dance and leave offerings at cemeteries for the deceased. Some even sleep next to their graves at night.
Families show emotion openly, often screaming, crying, or slapping their faces.
My mother is a great role model of someone who is embracing her own death. She planned her funeral service many years ago and she shared her wishes with us. On my last trip to London, I took it one step further and found a black female-owned funeral director to care for my mother when she dies. My mother grew up in a very racist time and never saw people that looked like her in any position of authority, and it warmed my heart to know that these wonderful black women will accompany her on her final journey.
Stages of Grief
Although we can lose loved ones at any time, midlife and beyond is a time when many of us will experience death for the first time with the loss of our parents, partner, siblings, or friends.
Many people are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief model which is the template used by most therapists to support grieving clients. Yet not many have heard of J.W. Worden's Four Tasks of Mourning. Worden proposed that humans must undergo the 'Four Tasks of Mourning' to heal.
The four stages are:
To accept the reality of the loss
To work through the pain of grief
To adjust to life without the deceased
To maintain a connection to the deceased while moving on with life. The idea of 'gone but not forgotten'.
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt developed the Companioning Model of Bereavement for Caregivers. Anyone can act as the companion/caregiver in this model including a therapist.
Companioning is about…
Honouring the spirit, not focusing on the intellect
Curiosity, not expertise
Learning from others, not teaching them
Walking alongside, not leading
Being still, not frantic movement forward
Discovering the gifts of sacred silence, not about filling every painful moment with words
Listening with the heart, not analysing with the head
Bearing witness to the struggles of others, not directing them
Being present to another person’s pain, not taking away the pain
Respecting disorder and confusion, not imposing order and logic
Going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being, not thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.
Complicated Grief Grief is not a pathological condition that needs to be treated. Grief is natural and in most cases through the process of thinking, talking, crying, and dreaming about the loss, the bereaved will heal over time. When there is a disruption to the grieving process or a loss that cannot heal in a conventional way, this is called complicated grief. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the death and the unique personalities/relationships of the people involved, certain challenges can occur that may contribute to complicated grief. In Grief and Mourning Gone Awry, therapist Shear MK identifies the following: Delayed grief involves the postponement of a normal grief response until a later time, whether intentional or unconsciously. In some cases, an individual might need to 'be strong' outwardly in order to help another loved one cope following a death, whether during the funeral arrangement process, service or interment, or in the weeks/months that follow. In other instances, someone might not begin grieving right after a death occurs because they already have too much stress, need more time to process the reality of the loss, or can't grieve until they encounter a 'grief trigger' etc. Disenfranchised grief can occur when a grieving person feels they cannot openly acknowledge a loss to death because of real or imagined pressures exerted by family/friends, cultural or religious beliefs, or society in general. For example, if the death is related to HIV/AIDS, miscarriage or stillbirth, or the death of a same-sex partner or spouse. In these cases, the individual might delay their grief response or feel it necessary to mourn alone or privately. Traumatic grief can occur when a death takes place violently, unexpectedly, or causes the loss of someone who dies 'before their time', such as an infant, a child, murder or accident victim, someone stricken with a terminal illness etc. Sudden or traumatic grief can lead to exaggerated reactions and even post-traumatic stress disorder. Through supporting clients with grief and from my own experience, I find that grief has a bittersweet quality to it. While our heart is aching, we tend to marinate in the sweetness of the love we hold for the loved one who has passed. Grief alters the lens through which we view life, and coats it with wisdom, with reverence for life, and with the complexities of what it means to be a human who can connect deeply. Healing from grief requires us to move forward while keeping those bonds and memories close, which is not only conducive to thriving but helps to mobilise greater joy and a more richly felt experience.
8 Ways to Heal Your Soul After a Loss
by Sara Schairer
1. Stay Present with Your Feelings
You may want to run away from the painful feelings of grief. Do you find yourself turning to something that will numb you—like comfort food, internet shopping, or a few glasses of wine? Perhaps instead of pouring yourself another drink, you pour yourself into your work as a method of avoidance. These salves might help your wound feel better temporarily, but they simply mask the pain.
2. Plan Ahead for Special Days
Emily A. Meier, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry with UC San Diego Moores Cancer Center recommends that the grieving person should plan for certain days. “Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, and other special days may trigger intense grief reactions. By predicting what may trigger a grief reaction and planning ahead, it allows individuals to cope better.”
It might be helpful to look ahead in your calendar, map out those potentially triggering days, and make plans that can help you cope. Nourish and comfort yourself on those days in whatever way feels best for you. You can ask friends to spend time with you or gather family members to share a meal. I’m fortunate that many of my thoughtful friends reach out to me on my dad’s birthday and death day. Hearing from them helps me feel supported. Because I know how much their support helps me, I reach out to my friends on their difficult dates. Even a simple “Thinking of you” text can help someone get through a heartbreaking day.
3. Understand the Fluidity of Grief
Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed and wrote about the five stages of grief in her book On Death & Dying. Those five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—became the blueprint for grief, although they have been misused. Just like I did, many people incorrectly learned that the process of grief begins at the top with denial, moves down the line in order, and finally ends with acceptance.
Instead, grief can be a zigzag across those stages with no particular order, and you may not experience every stage. There is no prescription for the process of grieving, and grief doesn’t merely disappear once you’ve zagged across every stage. You may never experience closure after a loss.
Pauline Boss, Ph.D., professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota and author of Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, posits that there is no such thing as closure. In her On Being podcast interview, Boss said, “I think ‘closure,’ … is a perfectly good word for real estate and business deals, so I don’t want to demonize the word ‘closure.’ But ‘closure’ is a terrible word in human relationships. Once you’ve become attached to somebody, love them, care about them—when they’re lost, you still care about them.”
She goes on to point out that society wants to “close the door” when someone passes away. Boss argues that you can live with grief. Similar to the way you can live with chronic pain, you can live with the pain of grief.
4. Usher in Feelings of Common Humanity
When facing intense suffering, you may feel isolated. I remember feeling terribly alone after my dad’s accident and while going through my divorce. It seemed like everyone else kept sailing through life without care while I slowly stumbled through the murky and muddy waters of loss. Most of the people in my life with children are married or have partners, and I sometimes feel isolated.
It’s helpful to remember that I’m not alone and that, of course, other single mothers face these struggles like me. I feel much less pain when I usher in common humanity—the recognition that others experience suffering as I do. Common humanity is one of the three main components of self-compassion, according to Kristin Neff, Ph.D., one of the leading experts on self-compassion. “Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience—something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to ‘me’ alone.” I use a tangible object, a wristband, to help me keep self-compassion and common humanity front-of-mind. I flip it over when I need to remind myself that I am not alone. It brings me feelings of comfort and peace when I need it.
5. Try Meditation
Speaking of self-compassion, it’s difficult to practice it while grieving if you don’t take the time to observe your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Meditation can help you notice and stay present with what’s happening within and around you, and it can help you comfort yourself. Chödrön writes in When Things Fall Apart, “Meditation is an invitation to notice when we reach our limits and to not get carried away by hope and fear. Through meditation, we’re able to see clearly what’s going on with our thoughts and emotions, and we can also let them go.”
6. Continue to Connect with Your Loved One
It may seem like a good idea to avoid anything that makes you revisit your loss, but when grieving a loved one, it can be helpful to intentionally connect with that person. Perhaps it’s the recipe your loved one used to make for you, or maybe it was their favorite dish. By coming together in the community, you can share your loss with others and also help them heal. Another way to keep your connection is through rituals that help you honor and remember your loved one. Dr. Meier says, “The use of rituals can be extremely healing during the grief process. It is often helpful to create family or individual rituals that honor the loved one as an additional way to cope with grief.” Rituals can take many different forms. You can find inspiration from cultures that honor those who have passed. For example, many Latin Americans celebrate Día de Los Muertos, or Day of the Dead in October. Originating in Mexico, the venerated holiday honors ancestors and deceased family members.
7. Seek Help
If you tune into your body during moments of stress, you can notice the desire to find support. Author and health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D., mentions in her popular TED talkthat you release the hormone oxytocin when you experience stress. She says, “When life is difficult, your stress response wants you to be surrounded by people who care about you.” Whether you seek out a grief counselor or reach out to your close friends, it’s important that you don’t try to conquer grief on your own. In order to heal your soul, don’t go it alone. When Dr. Meier counsels patients who are suffering loss, she shares, “There is no right or wrong way to grieve as it is a highly individual process with no specific timeline. It is important to practice self-compassion while grieving, to continue to find opportunities that allow for a connection to our deceased loved one [memories, memorials, celebrations, laughter, joy and to practice patience.”
8. Be Gentle and Patient
A dear friend of mine, psychologist Taryn Gammon, Ph.D., recently shared an analogy she uses for grief. She thinks of grief as an infant or small child. In the beginning, it needs almost all of your attention and care. Your grief may feel like a full-time job, in fact. At age four or five years old, the grief still needs your love and attention, but you’ll have more space for other parts of your life. As the years pass, this older grief won’t require 100 percent of your time and energy like it did when it was an infant. However, you still need to be present with your grief when it decides to drop by. Your grief, like someone you care about, needs your patience and your love.
One of the many images that stayed with me from the Mastering Grief segment of Redefining Ageing is Jo Milne Home's story of the final days of her mother's life, asking her mother where she wants to die. Although her mother could barely speak, she was able to indicate that she wanted to die in her own home. So Jo bundled her mother into a sports car and zoomed up the highway with her mother's limp fingers on the gear stick.
Talking about grief, death, and dying can be very challenging and confronting to many. But I strongly believe that it is vital for living and ageing well. By acknowledging the finite nature of life, that it will end one day, we are more likely to heal broken relationships, not put off things and live more fully in the life we have left.